June 25, 2019

Blog: Robbies Big Adventure – aka newswarped looking for friends in South Island of New Zealand

Southern Man now coaching team of Australian marsupials

Stung by the realization that not many people in the South Island have read newswarped.com we have decided to take up the challenge and tell a children’s story in less than 600 words that includes as many South Island keywords as we can stuff in there that will register on search engines. It is not illustrated because even stick figures are a challenge for us.

Introduction: (in patronizing paternal neo-colonial voice) “Fear not natives of the great southern land. I come in peace as one who has lived among you and supped ale in your taverns. Hear this tale of the boy Robbie and his visit to the great wizard.”

Robbies Big Adventure
One day little Robbie Deans decided to go on an adventure. His mother had told him that the world out there beyond Glenmark was a scary place. Not only did he have to go past Grizz Wyllie’s house he would have to avoid the huge flocks of sheep and herds of cows that roamed the Canterbury Plains.

Robbie wasn’t scared though. He had heard about Christchurch and its famous wizard who lived in the shadow of the cathedral in the square. Robbie wanted to go and see the wizard and ask him about the world.

Seeing that Robbie was not going to be dissuaded Mrs. Deans packed Robbie a lunch with mainland cheese sandwiches and a can of Speight’s.

“I feel like I am going on a crusade” said Robbie. “Yes you are my little Crusader” said his mother proudly.

So Robbie set off on the road to Christchurch. To pass the time he read out loud the names on the letter boxes along the way – “Hadlee, McCormick, Blackadder, Astle, Cairns.”

Eventually Robbie arrived in Christchurch and approached the dark robed man with the spiky hat who was surrounded by people in the town square.

Taking a swig of his Speight’s and wanting to sound wise and inquiring beyond his years Robbie wanted to ask the question that had been bugging him for ages. The question that when he asked adults he usually only got grunts in reply. When they did use words it was only words that his mother would cuff him around the ears if she heard him using them. So he asked the wizard “What lies across the water to the north great wizard?”

The wizard thought for a moment “Not a good place my young friend. It is full of dickheads and morons called politicians. They don’t live in the South Island but they want to tell us how to do everything. We have to pay them money called taxes to tell us what to do when we know what to do in the first place”.

That sounded like a frightening place so Robbie thought he had better explore the South Island instead “Can you recommend places in the South Island I could go to visit?”

“Well there are a few I could recommend. Marlborough and Nelson – very good wine and weather. The West Coast for rustic charm – rather like Grizz on a good day. Queenstown now that is a beautiful place but there are a lot of tourists there.

“What are tourist’s wizard?”

“People from other countries who like to come here and take lots of photo’s that no one back home will ever look at.”

“There are so many great places – Invercargill, Dunedin, Gore, Alexandra. I think you should see them all.”

“What do you see of my future?” asked Robbie – “Rugby my boy” replied the wizard “that is what I see, colours they swirl around me……red and black…….then changing……green…..and gold. Don’t know what that means but all will be revealed in time.”

“What about the world beyond these shores wizard? Should I set sail when I am older and see it for myself and learn of their ways?”

“No my curious child, It would be better if you stayed at home and went online instead”.

“But what website will tell me what I need to know?”

“Good question my boy. There is one. Draw close now because in the South it is a secret that not many know. The website is called www.newswarped.com find it and you will learn all you need to know about the world.”

“Thank you wizard, I will go home now and heed your words. Mother will be wondering where I am.”

(That’s 613 words, but to get it under 600 would destroy the intricately woven fabric of the story don’t you think?)