December 10, 2018

Wayne Rooney and Sir Alex Ferguson getting a divorce

Walk out on me? The little git wants to walk out on me? I didn't even throw anything at him.

The romance is over, Sir Alex Ferguson has revealed Wayne Rooney wants to quit Manchester United.

After weeks of speculation a “shocked” and “disappointed” Sir Alex has admitted for the first time that Wayne wants out of their footballing marriage.

We get the feeling that there are two sides to this story and we have only heard one so far. Ferguson claims he has not fallen out with the 24-year-old England striker, but it is a bit of a head scratcher that if all is rosy in the garden why does Wayne want to leave? Sir Alex says “We are as bemused as anyone can be, we can’t quite understand why he would want to leave.”

Even more disturbing is the reports that wife Coleen won’t leave Manchester. That means that the unthinkable alternative is our Wayne turning out in sky blue for Manchester City.

Ferguson said the “door is still open” for Rooney, but newswarped suggests that this is the door to the roof terrace that remains open for Wayne, from where one can free fall 15 floors before kissing the dirt.

Earlier in the year Rooney could do no wrong. He was knocking them in from all directions. He had even perfected his new party trick of scoring with the head to give the fans a bit of variety.

Then came the injury against Bayern Munich in the Champions League in March and an on again off again rehabilitation. The goals dried up completely. Then there was the small matter of the FIFA World Cup in South Africa where Wayne went scoreless and England went home – early.

Wayne got special attention for mouthing off at the cameras after the debacle against Algeria and abusing the fans who had paid thousands of pounds to follow England to South Africa and got served up a load of old cobblers. In Wayne’s defence there was a fair bit of abuse directed at the team.

We won’t even mention further allegations of Waynes unusual past time of paying for female attention.

Rooney will miss Wednesday’s Champions League game with Bursaspor after being carried off in training. Ferguson says he has an ankle injury that kept him out of the Montenegro Euro Qualifier, but Wayne says he is fine. This thing is moving beyond where marriage counseling can help now.

Newswarped suggests that Wayne make friends with the camera this time. While they are rolling Wayne has some degree of protection. Should he end up in a lonely spot at Old Trafford he might just suffer a genuine injury. It’s the way these things are normally settled in Aberdeen.

Ferguson says when he learned of Rooney’s desire to go, he requested to speak to the “boy”. We are thinking The Godfather. We are thinking Marlon Brando. “Wayne, you came to me when you were just a boy. I took you in, treated you like my own son. My own son Wayne. Now you say you want to leave me? After all I’ve done for you? The is no leaving United you little scouse toe rag”.

Sir Alex was still incredulous that someone would want to leave the club “We have won 40 major trophies, countless cup finals, have a fantastic history, a great stadium, great training arrangements”. Ah that may be true but does your ‘great’ training arrangements include complimentary massages of an unusual kind? No? Theres your answer Fergie – maybe thats why he wants out?