March 21, 2019

Cricket Report: HKCA Under 15 v Manawatu

Horowhenua-Kapiti home of super talented cricketers who have parents who are even more super talented.

On a cold and windy day in Levin the Horowhenua-Kapiti Under 15 Rep cricketers have allegedly come up short against a Manawatu side that did not live up to their pre-match billing as an Under 15 side.

Supposedly there were a couple of Under 16’s thrown in to make up the numbers. The problem was that the Under 16’s had been breeding like flies and by the time they arrived in Levin they had multiplied. Not only that, they had mutated (as I understand people in Palmerston North are prone to do from time to time) into a race of super cricketers.

HK lost the toss and the Watu tribe chose to bat. That meant a wet ball for our galant lads. Some spectators said that the HK lads couldn’t catch a cold but that is not true. Though some smart arse did warn them before the game that the red ball might contain a hideous flesh eating virus that would activate on skin contact. We said it was a load of bollocks but some of the boys believed it and avoided touching the ball where possible.

Wicket Keeper Keegan MacLachlan obviously decided he had some flesh that needed eating because he was diving everywhere to make contact with it. He took four catches behind the stumps which is a record for this side. The Keegan fan club in the adjoining paddock mooed their approval – a lot.

After a ridiculously fast opening stand and with the runs piling up we decided that the match should be played under PC rules and that it was best not to keep the score in case anyones feelings were hurt. Someone said that the Watu’s scored 255 in the 49.5 overs they batted, but that is unconfirmed.

I did see a torn piece of parchment that said Cameron Beck got 3 wickets, Josh Bohmer and Ryan Franks got 2 each and Liam Forward, Sean Finlayson and Jonathan Griffith got one each. The bit that said how many wides were bowled and runs conceded was missing, but I am sure they did very well.

Quite a lot of people came to watch the match at different times. There was a documentary film being shot near-by and the extra’s wandered over during filming breaks. Apparently the documentary is about a tribe of people that live high in the Andes in Peru. Because of the recession the producers could not afford to travel to Peru to shoot it so they recreated the Andes village next to the BMX track.

It was just as well the sun wasn’t shining because the actors would have suffered terribly in the heat with all those poncho’s and rugs wrapped around them. Only their eyes were visible. I wondered if this was a cunning plan to hide the fact that the Peruvians were from Levin and not Lima.

I heard later they got into a lot of trouble, because while they were watching the cricket the sole llama the producers had hired for added authenticity escaped. It was last seen walking with great difficulty after straying into a paddock that contained Fergus the Charolais stud bull.

The HKCA batting innings was quite a mystery. We know that Andre Halbert scored a fantastic 48 runs off 79 balls, Sean Finlayson 16 runs from 37 balls and Liam Bargh 5 runs.

Beyond that the identity of the player that we know scored the match winning century is unknown because the rest of the score sheet was encrypted in what looked like binary code. There were lots of 0’s and 1’s in irregular sequences. I could not decipher it because I didn’t pay attention in maths at school.

I definitely think it was binary code, not Da Vinci code. Although if any of our team was a fictional descendent of Jesus I feel that Liam Forward with his flowing locks is the most likely candidate.

So there you have it. The Watu tribe went home happy that they had won the game convincingly. The Hk side went home happy too that they had also won the game convincingly. That is the beauty of Political correctness. Everyone is a winner and reality is whatever the teacher says it is. This is particularly useful at schools that employ teachers with giftings other than intellect.

Aside from the mystery of the HK scorecard, there are still a number of unanswered questions following the match.

The financial backers of WackiBacki – The Lost Tribe of the Andes want to know why some of the tribespeople were wearing clothing with english writing on it that said ‘mongrel mob’.

Eric and Wendy the hobby farmers who own the llama want to know why she freaks out whenever anyone touches her. She has had to be retired from their kids petting zoo.

Cricketers everywhere are wondering why the Horowhenua District Council can’t produce a grass wicket by mid November when we know they have been playing on grass wickets for weeks now in the Andes.

Everyone else wants to know why the actual temperature was 10 degrees lower than the forecast temperature, thus providing the only hint of reality for the ‘Lost Tribe’ documentary. I guess we should be grateful though that the perfume factory over by the lake wasn’t in full production.

There is a rumour that the HKCA Under 15’s will ride again against Wanganui on the 28th November but like most things in this news bulletin it is unconfirmed.

Wanganui is a wild place with no Laws to speak of now. The makers of WackiBacki – The Lost Tribe of the Andes are regretting not making their documentary there because apparently they don’t wear ‘mongrel mob’ brand clothing in Whanganui. That would have meant their ‘moon landing’ style doco scam would have remained a secret.


  1. David Beck says:

    So sorry I have only just caught up with this sir!! Pressing engagements have meant I have only just managed to find this site again. Having only seen the beginning and the end of the game, I am gratefull to you for filling in what didn’t happen in the middle!! Note to self….. find out where that Llama is….. Is there any truth to the rumour that one of the Watu Tribe had to leave early as his son had a birthday party to attend and his Wife was busy??!!

  2. Very entertaining David … usual