November 23, 2017

Aussie cricket team taken over by alien Kiwis

Honest guys, I am having the best time of my life. This is as good as it gets.

The Australian cricket team is not themselves at the moment. Aside form letting England walk all over them in the Ashes Series something weird is going on.

Anyone who has seen the classic sci-fi movie Invasion of the Body Snatchers will know what I am talking about. Ricky and Co still look the same but when they talk it doesn’t sound like them. The body language is also up the wop and they drop catches – lots of catches.

The overwhelming self confidence has been replaced by self doubt. They still say all the right things but always look like today is the worst day of their life after yesterday (maybe it is?).

They talk about fronting up and taking responsibility but that is all it is – talk. On the cricket field they are letting the England team dominate. There can be few more humiliating experiences in world sport than having the shy humble English rub your nose in it.

The way this thing is going we will end up with Ricky Ponting doing a Kim Hughes and blubbing his resignation. The Australian sporting public don’t abuse losers, they just ignore them. That is hard to do though when it is the national game in the spotlight.

It is a sad day for Australian cricket when their once totally dominant team is consistently playing like…..well New Zealand actually. Thats right shocking as it is, the Aussies are doing a Kiwi at the moment. A few good individual performances not being enough to add up to a team win.

Yes aussie cricket fans, welcome to our world. Let me enlighten you of what the future holds. For a while most teams in world cricket will be queuing up to visit just to see if the rumours of your demise are true and enjoy the thrill of giving you a good smacking.

Then the visits will dry up. Soon the best side that is prepared to come and play you on a regular basis will be Sri Lanka. Now don’t get me wrong they are a good cricketing nation and nice chaps but after a few years they will end up becoming like part of the family.

Bangladesh you always treated like a deformed relative who was hidden away. Remember those Test series in Darwin in the middle of winter? Didn’t think you would end up playing a boxing day Test against the Banga’s in front of 15,000 people who are only there because the evil in-laws are staying at their house for Christmas did you?

It gets worse though. Michael Clarke will end up captaining the side. He will become the selector, coach and team psychologist. He won’t have any time to work on his own game and his form will evaporate (yes thats right, worse than it is now).

There will be a whole bunch of people employed to manage and run the team but none of them has any responsibility for anything relating to performance and results.

Former players who were not much chop themselves will queue up to slag you off in the media. They will harp on about courage, shot selection and pride, none of which you are said to be very good at.

You will know when you have reached rock bottom when good players start retiring to protect their career averages and new players end up turning the slectors down when asked to play.

Don’t worry though, no matter how bad it gets, your Trans-Tasman neighbours will play you at cricket. We might even let you win a few just to give you a hint of what the good old days used to be like.

The other comfort for you is that my prediction of Australia winning the Ashes series 3-1 is still alive and at very enriching odds if you want to put a lazy twenty on it.